by Kevin McCormick
Special to The Town Common
Congratulations to all of you and thank you for having me here at one of your major life achievements. We humans need ceremonies to mark milestones but then we humans must move on. To the next thing. Whatever that is will certainly find you if you don’t know what, when or where that will be.
As I stand here before you, gazing out on all of your faces, I now know what it must be like to host the Oscars. I’m looking at a roomful of stars, figuratively and literally. Shine on, shine bright. There is no technological substitute for the human spirit, nor will there ever be. Will there? We need to ask this question nowadays? Really?
But, seriously, enough platitudes, be they perfunctory or pulchritudinous. You’re now considered adults. Yeah, adulthood is great, but sometimes it ain’t that great. Here are a few guardrails to keep you on the road of your newfound maturity:
- Don’t whine. It won’t help but most always will just escalate a situation. Shows weakness and defeatism, too. Do not do that.
- Do not leave the toilet paper roll empty. This is one of the earliest but also one of the most important rites of passage you will ever be challenged with. Do you care about your family, friends, and sometimes complete strangers when they are at their most vulnerable and are in their hour of need? This is about a lot more than just paper products, this is about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If you will commit this heinous act, then what’s next? Leaving shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot where regular people just trying to park and get on with their day drive into them and knock them asunder subsequently causing a ten-car pileup? Don’t do that.
- Do not re-invent the wheel. We have plenty of hexagons already, though there are very rarely ever a call for them. Some are really, really, nice hexagons, you say, and I get it, sure, but still, don’t do that. And before you ask, no hendecagons, either. Just keep the wheel, and preferably keep it rolling.
- Murphy’s Law was actually written by Murphy’s second cousin twice-removed who was also named Murphy. It will take some critical thinking to figure this out, but I’ll get you started: Something went wrong at the worst possible time when Murphy was writing his law and…
- Nothing is easy. You can read those three words two different ways. Think!
- The first word of the First Amendment of the Constitution of The United States is “Congress.” I’m looking out at all of you and what I see is a roomful of puzzled faces. Why?
- Get to know the squirrels in your area. On one hand, they are some of the most brilliant problem solvers ever to walk the earth. A “squirrel proof” bird feeder will be rendered totally useless in an hour. Infiltrated and emptied. Smart. But, on the other hand, you’re driving down a country road completely alone -nobody in front or behind you- and a squirrel will run right out in front of you and risk certain death. Dumb. Why would something that smart do something that dumb? Don’t ever let that question be asked of you.
- Remember what it was like to be a kid just as fifth grade was let out for the summer? You had big plans. You were going to have fun with your friends and laugh with the kid who blew milk out of his nose when he laughed with you at lunch. Yeah, it went by way too quick, but there were thoughts of not wasting a moment. Ten whole weeks. A half a lifetime. That was pretty cool, sure, but now you’re an adult. Try to laugh at least once a week for ten weeks, and you’ll find those ten weeks will disappear in the breeze. Time flies, whether you have any fun or not, so have fun, whether you like it or not.
- You’re allowed to keep your head in the clouds as long as you keep your feet on the ground. See, adulthood can be anything from a baby’s fart to a clap of thunder but it’s essentially like walking around in Jello all day. You really won’t get too far in a day’s time but you’ll be worn out for trying. You are never moving at a nice jaunty pace, you’re more or less just slogging along with your head up just enough to breathe, converse, and if you’re lucky enough, daydream. On rare days, it’s that really nice Jello, you know, key lime, with the pineapple pieces and cherries inside, whipped cream on top that you wear like a fedora with a feather sticking out of the hatband. Great, but most days it’s just the generic red Jello. Red. What flavor is red? Strawberry? Raspberry? Cherry? See what I mean? Keep your head up. Breathe. Dream.
- When bad things or unfortunate circumstances happen within your sphere of existence, eventually you’ll have to get used to whatever happened so that you can move on. Yes, you need to get used to it, but you don’t have to get over it. Getting over something life-changing means you’ve made some sense out of it, which, for the most part, never happens. The only direction we have is forward. Reverse doesn’t exist. Park and neutral can be used sporadically, but the shift lever of life has no ‘R.’
- “Strive for perfection, not excellence.” Or is it, “Strive for excellence, not perfection?” Huh? What does either one of those mean? How about just always trying to do the best you can, while keeping this in mind: In any first aid class, the first thing they’ll try to impress upon you is to be aware of your surroundings before you put yourself in danger. This is important to remember, be it a situation where you’re the first on the scene of a car wreck or if you need to anticipate something that will happen, for instance, if the guy in front of you at the coffee shop is obviously in a hurried panic and he will surely turn around and spill all that hot coffee on you. Keep a wide berth, give ten seconds of assessment, then make a rational judgement. Practice that until it is second nature. Work, home, relationships, late night parking lots, whatever. Practice makes perfect-or is it excellence? Oh, who cares…just be aware, and be careful, okay?
- How is daylight saved? We humans rely on labels with the result being that everything is relative to us. Sometimes these labels are important and necessary but oftentimes their use reveals laziness and complacency. Does daylight savings time control the sun’s nuclear fusion, or our orbit around it? Thinking for yourself is tough, isn’t it?
- Occam’s Razor. Obfuscation. Huh? Occam’s Razor basically says there are a million ways to do something but the easiest way is usually the best. Obfuscation is deliberately making something complicated and unclear. Consider which way you would like to do things, or, more importantly, how you’d like people with authority to do things. You should be well aware that there are many people who effortlessly cruise through their entire lives by being experts at obfuscation. A lot of the time, all they are doing is comparing apricots to kumquats. How can they make a living that way, you ask? We’re paying them! Don’t let your guard down on this one.
- “Leading experts are baffled.” Expert: ‘X’ is the unknown quantity. ‘Spurt’ is what happens when you are fighting to open one of those ketchup packets while wearing a white shirt. Just so’s you know.
- Change is constant, but only worry about what you can change. Oh, don’t worry, that’ll keep you busy enough.
- Never ride in the back seat of your own bus. Here you are, cruising down the road of life, all your gear, talent and ambition in the bus with you, then the inevitable traffic jam looms ahead. Oh, you will have to deal with many of those over the years and that’s okay; it’s just part of it and you may as well just get used to it. You can always ask for directions, though, but only -and only- from people you trust. Beware when a random someone says, “You know what you should do? Well, blah, blah.” They want to take the wheel and have you ride in the back seat of your own bus. Next thing you know, you’re in a ditch somewhere in the pucky brush and it’s up to you to change two flat tires without any help. The genius who got you there has already left. “See-yah!” Ever try to change the tires on a bus with no help, alone in the middle of a lifetime? Don’t put yourself in that situation.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right. We’ve all heard that, right? Just for a second, though, let’s ponder what you can do with two rights. Even better, consider what two Wrights did. If it’s right for you and right for someone else, you just might build something that will get off the ground. Right? The Wright Brothers had a partnership but I just described a coalition. Someday you will be called upon to build one. A coalition, not an airplane. We have enough airplanes.
- Most likely, someday you will have a family of your own and you will be faced with making decisions for the good of their well-being. What do I do and which way do I go? Simple. If you can’t see the way forward, put yourself and your desires last. The pathway will then show itself.
- Are you a glass half-full person or a glass half-empty person? Before you ponder this age-old conundrum, consider this: If you have your own glass, and it’s under your control, be thankful. You’re on the right track.
And I’ll close with this final, fantabulous message:
Never listen to the Bee Gees. Never. Did you not hear my first gem of advice? No whining! The Bee Gees, musical hitmakers though they are, sound like they’re whining. Whining to music! Those nasal falsetto runs…”ah, ah, ah, ah… stayin’ aliiiive!” Whining. Whining to music and what’s worse than that? They are whining to disco music. DISCO! Have you no shame? Don’t do that, dammit! ♦
